Hello readers, I know its been such a lonnggg time! Happy new year! :) Just want to take this time out to officially congratulate my fellow co-writer ‘Her’ on her engagement! She doesn’t know i am writing this, make sure to leave a comment and show her some love. Hopefully she can bring the married perspective into some of our disconnects real soon!
-Him
Readers…WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZE for our long absentee. Life happens…and it caught up with the both of us. But, WE’RE BACK!
Cheating Cheating Cheating! Soooo, WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT? Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? These are questions that people will forever have varying opinions about. So, my upcoming thoughts are merely one of those many varying opinions. First things first, everyone and anyone is CAPABLE of cheating! However, not everyone cheats. Therefore, cheating is essentially a conscious choice. Now, often times, it seems unconscious because we allow ourselves to slowly get pulled into ‘seemingly little’ harmful and compromising situations that develop over time. A conversation here, a gesture there, then all of a sudden, BOOM…..cheating has been accomplished. I personally believe that in marriages in particular, people cheat as a result of two common things: 1. Unsatisfaction, 2. Lack of self- control/ Lust.
As I stated earlier, all people are capable of cheating but some people make a conscious effort to avoid the people, places, things, and ideas that may lead them down that route. I do not subscribe to the “all men cheat” school of thought.
Hello readers! We decided to switch things up a bit for this post! We want to hear from YOU all…..OUR READERS!
We live in a society where marriage is prized and highly esteemed. Various cultures, religions, and the like place various levels of importance on the institution of marriage. But, why? What’s the reason behind the push for marriage?
Married people, why did you get married? Single people, why do you want to get married? Post your responses as a comment. Feel free to also post questions. Perhaps your question will end up as our next topic :-)
From Her:
“Don’t call him first…”, “If he really likes you, he will make a move..”, “girl, it’s 2011, you gotta go get what you want…” These are all statements that many of us females have heard at one point or the other of our lives concerning whether or not to ‘make a move’ with a guy.
Some say, it’s the responsibility of the man to initiate if there is interest involved. Others say, it doesn’t matter who makes the first move. I SAY….
I am fundamentally what many would call ‘old-fashioned.’ However, I like to say that I do add a bit of ‘new-generation flavor’ to my theory on the initiation scenario. Personally, I believe that NO ONE likes rejection, guy or girl. But, someone has to do something in order for something to happen. My ‘old-fashioned’ beliefs lie in the notion that when a guy REALLY wants a girl, he will do WHATEVER it takes to get her (even if he has to enlist help). However, ladies, if you’re interested, present yourself (with class) as available and drop hints! Initiating requires a lot of gut, so help him out if there is something there. Go talk to him, be nice, compliment him, let him know that he won’t be completely disregarded.
Lastly, when in a situation where things have been brewing for a while yet there has been no talk of ‘what’s next’, ladies, you may have to put your foot down and give an ultimatum, lest you fall into the ‘friends with benefits category’. Check out this article that speaks to this situation: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001856.cfm.
Ultimately, while I do believe that the guy should be the one to ‘define the relationship’, that doesn’t mean, the the girl can’t get involved in getting something started!
From Him:
So about this whole initiation thing: Yes, I do agree that men should usually be the one to initiate something with a girl or make the first move if he likes her. However, if as a female, you like a guy and you are waiting on him to make a move because you are so called “old fashioned”, you might be waiting for a long time because this is now the “new fashion”. Many times guys are naive (and ladies as well) as to figuring out that they are liked. So, dropping hints might not cut it. If after dropping hints, he or she is still not getting it, just come out and be straight forward and save yourself the guess work and time. In practicing being blunt and straight, what’s the worse that could happen if you tell him? Perhaps you will get rejected. Well, guys get rejected on almost a daily bases. So, get over it (females don’t like to hear that). Lastly, the whole “giving him an ultimatum” thing is cool as long as you are prepared for whatever his answer may be.
“In her book ‘Relationships’, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.”
From Her:
Hmmmmm….now this is an age old question that I have heard argued both ways over and over again. Most are familiar with the guy/girl ‘falling in love with his/her best friend after the best friend announces being in a serious relationship with someone else’ scenario that many movies such as Brown Sugar and My Best Friends’ Wedding have depicted. A guy and girl are really good friends and then the guy/girl tells the friend that he/she is in love with someone or getting married. All of a sudden, the guy/girl becomes jealous because he/she realizes he/she has feelings for this “friend” and has to decide what to do next!
I think that there is a thin line between platonic guy/girl “intimate friendships” and guy/girl “intimate friendships” that have some level of attraction. It all depends on many many things! A friend of mine stated an interesting point: “the friendship thing isn’t possible if they’re both a “certain type” (i.e. they fall into the category of people the other would date).” It may be a little difficult to just be friends with someone who has characteristics that you are looking for in a mate. On the flip side, wouldn’t it be absolutely wonderful to end up with your true friend? Those are the best relationships in my opinion!
My advice to guys and girls who are platonic friends and want it to stay that way is: 1. Be mindful of your ‘outings’ together. 2. Keep affection (verbal, physical, and otherwise) in check. 3. Be honest with one another.
So, can it be done? Yes! But, it will require mature effort on both parts.
From Him:
Let me start off by saying that I completely disagree with Dr. Pamela Reeve’s statement that “men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations”. Webster’s dictionary defines intimate as “marked by a warm friendship developing through long association.” That being said, I can say that I have sustained warm or comfortable friendships with women through long associations without harboring any romantic expectations. Now is it true that this does happen and friends do end up having feelings for each other? Yes it is. But it’s not always the case. She said it best; ”there is a thin line between platonic guy/girl “intimate friendships” and guy/girl “intimate friendships” that have some level of attraction”. The key phrase in this statement is ‘some level of attraction’. When that does exist, usually romantic expectations will occur. However if you both know that there isn’t any kind of attraction between ya’ll, then there is no problem. Though, this can be difficult to tell at times.
I just personally resent that when a man and woman are close friends, people automatically assume they are dating or courting. I have a few females friends that I am close with and have had to refute the fact that we were dating several times. I would think that opposite sexes being close friends would be more acceptable these days since more women tend to have more guy friends as a result of having female friend drama, etc. I agree with what Her said; great advice, just follow those 3 rules she mentioned and you should be fine….good luck!
From Her:
There has been a lot of talk about how daunting the prospect of marriage is for black women. There have been TV specials, tons of articles, and a bunch of commentary on the subject. It feels like an obsession to be honest. Not too long ago, a Wall Street Journal article came out that offered a solution to the “phenomenon”. Mr. Banks, a Professor of Law at Stanford Law School suggests that black women open themselves up to relationships with men of other races. In doing this they “might find themselves in better relationships” and “lessen the power disparity that depresses the African-American marriage rate”. Interesting, hun?
Recently, I have personally noticed a surge of interracial and intercultural dating. Day by day, the world is blending more and more and the color lines are fading. Hence, Mr. Banks offers some valid suggestions. Concurrently, I hear the concerns of those who have difficulty crossing racial and cultural lines. It requires a lot of WORK, patience, perseverance, and determination (such is life however). Ultimately, my main suggestion to people is: pray for God to link you with your “one” and be honest with yourself about what you are getting yourself into. How do you do this? First, ask for God’s guidance and direction and get to know YOURSELF! Once you know you, you can be honest with you. As I stated in a previous blog, “companionship is key”. There are genuine difficulties that can arise when different races and cultures mix, but, they are not impossible to conquer. If both parties are willing to put in the work, love, no matter the race or culture is a beautiful thing.
From Him:
I agree with her on this. If God is in it, then there are no worries, regardless of what race or color you and your partner are. I personally feel that people always get so unnecessarily worked up about this whole interracial dating topic. Black women do in particular when they see black men with women of other races. Though I have heard black men complain about black women dating outside of their race too. I say date whatever race pleases you.
Mentioned article:
Readers, We apologize for being M.I.A for the past few weeks. Life and Summer have been busy! We will try not to ever disappear again!
From Her:
In today’s world of social media, one of the main stamps of an “official” relationship is the infamous Facebook relationship status change! Those who go above and beyond actually claim each other in their relationship statuses. For one reason or the other, not all of these relationships last. I personally have witnessed the unfortunate (or perhaps fortunate) “_________ is no longer in a relationship” post on quite a few occasions. So, what happens after that? Do the two individuals remain FB friends, let alone friends?
Immediately as I began to write, I was taken back to 1999. Over and over on the radio I heard “we can’t be friends…” Yep, Deborah Cox’s number one single! Perhaps Ms. Cox was on to something. Can exes be friends? Can exes be FB friends?
Personally, I believe every good relationship should be founded on a good friendship! Now, if this be the case, I would like to hope that after a break-up, two individuals can remain at the least, acquaintances. I understand that you may not be able to “kick it like that” anymore. But, I don’t think you should have to become enemies (if all circumstances surrounding the reason for the break-up are amicable). At the end of the day, you are still (hopefully) my brother in Christ and I would still want God’s best for you. If both parties can maturely handle facebook post breaking up, then by all means, don’t un-friend. This entire discussion is one of the many reasons why I believe one should be very cautious when it comes to the personal information one posts on good ‘ole Facebook!
From Him:
Hello guys. Sorry once again for our hiatus. Now back to the topic at hand; I will try to keep it short and sweet as always. There’s no solid yes or no answer to the question should exes remain social networking friends (be it Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr etc). It pretty much depends on the circumstances as she so well put it. Yes in theory, we should still be friends, but that rarely happens. I have noticed that ladies in particular are oh so very quick to unfriend you the same day you break up. From my personal past experiences, at least two out of three exes have unfriended me. This is understandable because I personally believe it usually takes more for the female to move on (I see the females faces changing as they read). That being said, they do usually try to re-add you once things boil over.
I actually do believe its needed at times. It might not be too “healthy” to be reading posts about what your ex is up to once you are not together anymore for your own sake and sanity.
From Him:
Short answer to this one is NO; married couples should not have separate bank accounts because it will only lead to problems. Finances is one of the major reasons couples get into arguments and end up splitting up because someone has a secret account somewhere. The Bible says, “and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one” - Mark 10:8. So if you are supposed to be one, why have two accounts? Now if you both had accounts before marriage, which you likely do, I am not saying that those have to be closed. You can just add each other’s name to those already existing accounts. This is also one of those issues that pretty much boils down to trust, if you really trust your spouse, you wouldn’t have a problem being open about your finances.
From Her:
I agree with “Him”. Married couples should not have separate accounts. First of all, my explanation on this matter comes from a biblical foundation that says that 1.) Marriage is forever and 2.) In marriage, a husband and wife are ONE unit!
Many people argue for separate accounts because they say, “you never know what can happen….people change……you should always have a little something just in case something happens”. Well, being one who fully believes in the Bible, I say, a God ordained marriage does not have to worry about any of the above statements because God doesn’t change, and a couple in a God ordained marriage will honor God’s principles (remember the vows? For richer or poorer…till death do us part…). Things will not always be perfect. But, that is not an excuse to “protect” yourself. Trying to hold on to ‘self’ and protect ‘self’ shows a lack of trust in your spouse and faith in God. In marriage, there is no ‘self’ because two become ONE! In addition, a secret, separate account is dishonest (not a good way to start a marriage).
Now, I have heard of couples who upon marriage kept separate accounts but gave each other full access to their individual accounts while opening a joint account. So, they combine incomes, put a percentage in savings, a percentage in checking for household things and a percentage in their individual accounts. I believe that this method could work.
Ultimately, communication is key! Use the word of God, wisdom, and Godly counsel prior to marriage to figure things out before marriage. This will prevent some of the common financial pitfalls that drive some couples to divorce!
Questioned from a reader: “Why is it okay for men to be 30 years old and not married and people aren’t pressuring them to get married, while women at the age of 30 are being looked at with pitying eyes and getting offers to take them to every prayer meeting in town to break the demons of “delayed” marriage.”
From Her:
As a female, I know this scenario all too well. During my undergraduate graduation party, more people asked me whether or not I was in a “serious” relationship and when I planned on getting married than what my post graduation career and academic plans were!
Without going too deep into this matter, this is a dilemma seen across all cultures. I will say, however, the pressure on females can vary depending on the culture and their views of marriage.
Overall, I believe that the main reason behind the “pressure” is women are socially marked to be affected by the “biological clock” (decline in fertility) and men are not bound as much by such. There are positives and negatives to the “pressure”. If you do desire to get married, never ever feel rushed. It is not something to rush into. With the same token, be in tune with your timing/ season for marriage (Ecclesiastes 3:1). In the meantime, become the best you possible! I’m sure you and your spouse will greatly appreciate that in your marriage!
From Him:
First off, I just want to say I was laughing so hard at “getting offers to take them to every prayer meeting in town to break the demons of “delayed” marriage”. This is actually one of those rare cases where we both agreed on the subject. Women are more pressured than men about marriage in general (and more or less so depending on the culture). This is not to say that guys don’t get pressured as well. I got the same kind of questions as ‘Her’ at my undergraduate and even more at my post-graduate graduations. However, I am a year older than ‘Her’ and from our conversations, she most definitely feels the pressure more than I do. So, not to be repetitive since we agree here, just try to take your time and ignore the pressure as much as possible (I know its easier said that done).
In response to a reader question, Part 1:
From Him:
The double standard that men expect women to have fewer sex partners than we have is one of those things that has been around for ages and isn’t going anywhere any time soon; although it is becoming less of an issue in today’s society because women are becoming more promiscuous. A man’s sexual activity has always been less scrutinized than that of a woman. This even goes back to the Bible. The story in John 8:1-7, where the woman who was caught committing adultery was about to be stoned for her sin. Obviously, she did not engage in this act by herself, there was a man involved as well, but no one wanted to stone him or questioned him about his sin. We still see this even today in the Islamic countries where women are stoned for adultery like in the movie Stoning of Soraya. Now am I saying that this is fair or just? Absolutely not. But, that’s just the way it is. So to answer the question do men expect to settle down with a woman with less sexual partners; Yes, we do.
Which then leads to your other question about if men want to be with a woman that is sexually inexperienced. In short, no we usually don’t for the most part. BUT before moving on, according to the Bible, we should all be sexually inexperienced regardless of gender. Had to get that disclaimer out the way first. That being said, this is one of those ‘you want to eat your cake and have it too’ kind of situations for men. So, we expect you to be somewhat sexually experienced because it is a turn on for most men when a woman knows what she is doing and has some sort of clue. At the same time, we want you to gain that experience with as few partners as possible(if any, but this will be the next post). However, women do engage in and enjoy double standards more than men do, and there are several articles supporting this that I can post if you are interested.
For the third part of your question relating to this post, I will post it here for the readers before answering it to give them the context. She asks: Should a woman be expected to “forgive” a man’s more colorful sexual history just because he’s a “man”…even though, essentially, he took that sanctity away from many other women?
My answer to this is very simple, he did not “take” away her sanctity, she gave it to him willingly, and women always seem to forget that.
From Her:
Is there a double standard in society? YES! Is there a double standard with God? NO! Speaking very generally, there is a notion that men can do whatever they want sexually while women who do the same are tagged as overly promiscuous. I personally do not ascribe to societies’ rules in regards to sexuality. I ascribe to God’s….outlined in the Bible!
Part 1 of your question: “Do men want to be with a woman who is inexperienced sexually? Do men (and some women in some cases) expect to be with/settle with/marry a woman who can count her sexual partners on one hand, while he’s counting his on his hands and toes?”
A REAL man/ woman (of God) would want someone who is inexperienced (meaning he/she is a virgin or is not currently having sex) because he/she would then be able to present something pure to the other. This is according to the plan of God. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe the Bible in that sex is something ONLY for the marriage bed. Nothing gets done till we say “I do”! Now, one’s past is their past. I am more concerned with the present. Of course not everyone is or will be a virgin when they get married. However, one always has the opportunity to start fresh..and recommit his or herself to a lifestyle of purity. BTW…if we all followed the original plan of God of one for one in marriage, everyone would be inexperienced, without room to compare and contrast past partners.
Part 2: “Should a woman be expected to “forgive” a man’s more colorful sexual history just because he’s a “man”…even though, essentially, he took that sanctity away from many other women?”
As I noted above, I do not believe that being a “man” is an excuse for having a “colorful” sexual history. Men (by God’s standards) are held to the same standards as women in regards to not fornicating (having any sort of sexual activity before marriage). However, if a man or woman in their past history explored sexually, then stopped, and made a decision and commitment to God to preserve their next sexual encounter for their spouse and live a lifestyle of purity, their partner (male or female) should be in a position to forgive. None of us is perfect. Just as God forgives, we should forgive. Examine who he or she is today and the life he or she has decided to live from here on out. The past is important in certain circumstances, but, it is not always an indication of the present or future.
Leave a comment below, let us know how you feel!
